North Korea Launches Most Amazing Wonderful Destructive Nuclear Rhetoric

SEOUL, South Korea– North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has ordered further “most amazing wonderful destructive nuclear rhetoric” weapons his scientists have developed, state media reports.

While waiting for ballistic bombast missles to return to their beautiful homebases Thursday, Kim stressed the importance of conducting “more armed rhetoric at its enemies everywhere,” the North’s official news agency said.

State media published photos of Kim standing next to warheads with his mouth open. During his visit to the armory and factories, he said supreme scientists have mastered the process of shrinking nuclear warheads into his mouth, allowing him to spew nuclear rhetoric at the “USA gangsters and puppet clowns of west.”

South Korea on Thursday voiced concern over the tensions and urged North Korea to avoid further school yard acts of taunting.

The North has conducted a number of what it says were successful tests of rhetoric, including “submarines that can surface in the middle of the desert and mind controlling US eagles dropping nuclear bird poopies. Glory to the heroic peoples!”

Donald Trump picks up a big Galactic First Order endorsement


MILKYWAY–Republic Outpost  Donald Trump on Wednesday picked up a big First Order endorsement as General Hux voiced his support. Since the fall of the First Order’s Starkiller Base back in December, General Hux has been absent in the galaxy.

General Hux immediately threw his support to Donald Trump following the billionaire’s victory in the Nevada caucuses. He appeared in a hologram to select news agencies.

“Donald Trump has clearly demonstrated that he has both the guts and the fortitude to destroy the Republic. He will help our fierce machine, upon which will be rebuilt,  and bring an end to the treachery of the loathsome Resistance,” Hux told Fox News. “I endorse him as the next president of the United States as a new First Order outpost in our system.”

Hux wouldn’t reveal if Supreme Leader Snoke would endorse Trump. “There is only one supreme leader in the galaxy.”

The endorsement came just hours after Trump boasted that endorsements “are a waste of time” and that he’d rather focus on picking up support from angry voters.

Trump’s anger and fear tactics fall in alignment with our cause. This is a smart match.” said General Hux before the hologram disappeared.

Entire STAR WARS Saga Coming to Digital HD April 10th with New Disney Extras

Disney Star WarsA downloadable bundle of all six Star Wars movies, goes on sale globally starting April 10 (as many fans knew because they felt it in the force).

The HD digital bundle comes with an assortment of extras and certain sites are offering exclusives with the downloads.

Walt Disney Studios, said in a holographic statement. “Audiences should enjoy this legendary saga through Walt’s vision conceived 70 years ago. Don’t worry, George didn’t enhance anything, we did.”

The HD set will include bonus material for each of the films. Such as: Discoveries From Inside: Models & Minny Mouse-atures and Pixels to Pixar. Discoveries From Inside: The Universe of Princesses: From Leia to Cinderella. Legacy media includes “The Disney Beginning”; “The Phantom Menace Title Conspiracy” (alternate titles suggested like Sorcerer’s Apprentice, The Sith Apprentices, and Anni and the Droid.) A special Podrace deleted scene with Goofy and JarJar slapstick. The collection will be available through a number of download services that will track all Rebel movement including Google Play, iTunes and Xbox Video.

Study Finds More Lumberjacks Moving to Cities

beard guy

beard guy

Big gentrified cities like San Francisco, Portland and Seattle are seeing large migrations of lumberjacks.

“We see more and more young men under 30, in flannel, beards, knit caps, coming into the city,” said Jack Badger, Portland Census Chief. In the last few years, cities are noticing a population shift with young lumberjacks riding scooters, bikes and skateboards. The Census study found a 30% rise in flannel and beard wearing youth in the cities.  “Many sit in cafes drinking coffee and talking, this is a unique event,” said Badger.

“This is a strange migration,” said Finsaw Peaver, barista for Seattle’s Fat Pine Coffee Haus. “These are well manicured and sharp looking young men, it is surprising. Don’t they know there are no trees or mills here?”

Professor Derrik Decker believes this shift from rural to urban is because there is less work in rural towns like Forks, Shelton and Aberdeen, traditionally favorable to lumberjacks. “Those that have jobs keep them, these are a young generation so they are heading to the cities for networking.”

“They look clean and they’ve been moving around in large groups,” said Peaver while sipping a soy whipped frapp. “What’s weird is that they are clean and don’t have axes or saws with them. Maybe they should be called cityjacks?”

Satanic Cake Shop Closes Over Backlash From Owner’s Anti-Christian Remarks

devilBig Devil Cakes, a full service pastry and cake shop in Forest Grove Indiana, temporarily closed following outrage over remarks the shop owner made regarding Christians.
Shop owner Levi Bathomet said he would refuse to pedal his hot treats to anyone who wore a cross or admitted that they were Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Buddhist. “We are a good satanic establishment. Our religion has a bad history with Christian denominations through torture and trials.” Levi said.

Levi said this all started when an older woman wearing a crucifix necklace came in asking for hot cross buns. He refused service under the Indiana’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act. The business temporarily remains dark until threatening calls and online attacks die down. In the meantime Levi says they will cook under candle light and only open after midnight.

“We are not discriminating against anybody, we are just entitled to our beliefs,” said Levi. “We agree with the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, we believe in Lucifer and the Serpent and like to make pastries. We get nervous serving Christians around fire. We have rights too.”