MEME FLAVORS
‘Smells like teen spirit’
A little blend of cherry ice cream swirled with bits of bubblegum and engulfed in hard vanilla angst. Yum!

‘Double rainbow’
Two scoops of magical ROYGBIV sherbet swirls with little cookie bears tossed in for a ‘what does it mean’ mouthful of wow!

‘Snookie’
Soft serve jamoca tightly packed in a bubblegum skirt surrounded with bannanas and nuts. Eat it before it melts!

‘Old Spice’
Dark chocolate hunk with a hint of clove topped with beer nuts. Eat it before it changes, but after the whip cream!

I’d even get excited about Wookie Crunch, HanSolo Carbonite Crisp or Three Wolf T-sherbet but i’d settle for these first ones.

HIT MOVIES
Megamind
Chocked full of shiny star fruit, vanilla backdrop, simple but tastes like Apple.

Deathly Hallow (aka Potter)
Dark, sulky ice cream that quickly melts in your mouth and leaves you wanting to know what’s missing…

Unstoppable
A vanilla and chocolate swirl wrapped around a lime green center topped with hot syrup…must be drunk with a straw. It’s fast!

What do you think? I’d go back to Cloverfield Mint or 300 Sherbet but it’s all about the future flavors now! Drop a comment, what MEME or Movie should have a BK flavor? Share your thoughts!

“The pat-down is misleading, there are no ‘pats.’ The full prescribed procedure requires the TSA administerer to thoroughly trace their gloved hand across all the curves of the accused body; from feet to head and this does include breast and groin contact,” said Gabe Givens a TSA trained spokesperson. “The nude, I mean, new, body scanners are the best security option for those that dont wish to be touched.”

“I feel violated,” said Pamela, a tall blonde California woman who flies several times a month. “TSA guard, Joe or Chris at LAX always pats me down even after going through the x-ray. They smile and tell me I smell nice, but every time I go through? That’s just too much.”

Terrorists also disapprove of the pat-down technique too.

“It really disrupts our plans,” said Al Sheik Mohommad, a Yemeni from  Arabia who works in Qatar but uses a passport from Iraq. “Plastic-based explosives wrapped in loincloth or underwear are perfectly hidden but the pat down disrupts that now.”

Mohommad said the hand contact and closeness of big security guards makes him sweat and causes panic induced flash backs from when he was in Abu Graib.

“I am an Abu Graib survivor and my genital area is private. Why not just toss in German shepards too and human pyramids…I am a human on jihad, I have rights!”

TSA says pat downs are given only when the digital image isn’t good or if the passenger refuses to go through the scanner. Ex-TSA spokesperson Rodney Grimes said the screenings are necessary for national security but admitted a missing element.

“Unfortunately, we dont have a procedure for passengers that refuse a pat-down and wont’ take the digital scan. Although waterboarding, being legal, might be a new directive but we’d have to remove their clothes so they didnt get wet, which would be a logistical nightmare.”

Business proposal–Its’ only a matter of time. With the decay of newspapers and print material, obituraries have moved online and are now digital. But obituraries are fleeting, temporary. The concept of online obituaries and memorials has been around for a decade, but those of us surviving death find it more difficult to connect with those that passed.

Ouiji boards are finicky, creepy and so outdated. Mediums are expensive and risky. So how does someone communicate with the dearly departed in this fantastic digital world?

Materialize..<queue angelic or scary music>….WeeJeebook.

Facebook, the popular social site with millions of users, is limited to the living, but what about the billions of dead and departed?

WeeJeeBook is a social networking website for the dead. WeeJeeBook users can add dead people as friends and send them messages, update their afterlife profiles and notify the living about themselves. Users can join networks organized by ethereal location, cemetary and burial grounds, carbon date, or religious customs.

Imagine the millions of socializing, networking, and communicating you can do with the billions of dead friends with the comfort of your mobile phone and netbook….no more sleezy late night 1-900 phone calls, haunted houses or following fake twitter accounts. Now you can have billions of friends to brag about! You could participate eternally and live in the ethernet!

Real souls, fourth dimensional networking, digital banshees…WeeJeeBook. Friend everyone, even the dead. Live eternally!

 Salt Lake City–A new list containing names of 666 non Christian peoples was mailed to Utah state agencies Sunday afternoon terrifying the church community. 

A Republican church official tweeted that an investigation should commence immediately before the end is near. 

Unlike the list of alleged illegal immigrants in Utah sent last week, this list only contains names, no personal information, and was signed by Lucifer. 

“Phones are ringing off the hook with people finding out who is on the list,” said Jacob Simione Ezekial, librarian for the Church of Latter Day Saints (LDS). “They feel terrorized and scared that the reckoning is here.” 

The list’s release comes as several church lawmakers consider sponsoring more non christian outreach programs such as gun camps, geneology tree making, and outdoor ‘Little House on the Prairie’ movie marathons. 

“The list came out on a Sunday and was signed,” said Mary Van Hudson, resident. “The devil is devious, so this could be a trick. I’ll have to get permission from my husband if you want to ask me anything else.” 

Since the names cannot be verified, the state and church will begin an Inquisition starting Monday. 

“This list was mailed without proper United States postage,” says Thomas Finkleman. “We won’t release the names but we’ll have to dive into church records and see if these names are in our records.” 

The minority non christian community in Utah is upset too. Tattoo parlors and bars are worried, many were closed on Sunday. 

“I want to make sure I am on the list,” said Gul-Nazgul, gothic community activist. “If my master put out a list, we should know!”

Obama tossed several balls to McChrystal but McChrystal’s team caused several red cards against team Obama forcing an elimation. One red card was tossed when McChrystal’s team verbally offended referee Karl Eikenberry. Karzai and Joe Biden stayed on the sidelines. Team Karzai, however, needs a win to proceed to match 45 as they are on the verge of elimation from the War Cup. Team Patraeus is on a winning streak with a win in Iraq last year.

It’s obvious why. Change, fast change, causes uncertainty and fear, or just pent up sexual desire. Humans like a good highway car wreck. The marketers know your every reaction and instinctively resurface childhood favorites and fears. Easy money. People hate sequels, but they go anyway. Movie goers still pay for remakes even though, deep down, they abhor them.

No, I am not a horror fanatic or daily horror blogger. I am NO expert in horrorology but I do work at a local haunted attraction and watch at least one horror movie a week. I think it counts that I was indoctrinated at the age of eight, when my mom plopped me down to John Carpenters The Thing for a ‘snowy alien movie.’ I still don’t like snow and husky dogs. It might count that Jaws and Friday the 13th kept me out of local lakes forever. I still don’t like water, even hot tubs make me think of boiling cauldrons. Sadly, my imagination wanders.

Sorry, I digress. Let me get to the point.

Dear Hollywood, here are 5 killer topics that could easily become your next cash cow. Read, write, take and make….just include me in the story idea credit :)

#1

Genre: Horror
Category: Food
Statement: Horror takes on many forms, but rarely does it digest food. Oh there are plenty of gross food scenes in horror movies(the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family dinner scene pops to mind as does Poltergeist’s meat to maggots effect). But beyond the 1985 calorie free horror film “The Stuff,” there hasn’t been a movie dedicated to an evil food. Here on the west coast sushi bars are popular; what a perfect blend of common food fair marinated with rawness, knives and alien slabs of fish sauce.
Killer Topic: Sushi
Proposed Title: Chi Sushi
Tagline: Raw, Inside Out
Premise: Greedy asian fishermen surface a gnarly ancient prehistoric fish that becomes all the rage in sushi restaraunts. little do they know that consuming this ancient fish raw causes diners to crave raw flesh and slowly devolve into the fish itself!

#2

Genre: Horror
Category: Popular Activity or Place
Statement: Horror in fiction and nonfiction takes place in a variety of wacky and common places: highschools, carnivals, caves, airplanes, colleges, hotels, parks, cabins, lakes, and the uptight suburbs to name a few. Places where groups congregate tend to be safe unless your at Camp Crystal Lake or on the remote Hebridean island of Summerisle. However, a popular activity now rooted into western gyms around the US (and one that I frequently attempt) that hasn’t been contaminated on film yet is the ancient asian art of Yoga. Cultist, hot, sweaty bodies, dark rooms, and ancient sayings, Yoga is a perfect horror topic. (I told you my mind wanders).
Killer Topic: Yoga
Proposed Title: Corpse Pose
Tagline: Relax, this is your last breath!
Premise: A new Yoga shop opens up promising relaxation and slimness. Sandy and her city friends join the new Yoga gym only to find out the instructors are practicing an ancient lost art of Yoga that is bent on creating a legion of undead followers, starting with them.

#3

Genre: Horror
Category: Occupation
Statement: Horror movies are full of wicked and evil dentists, nurses, doctors, psychiatrists, barbers, butchers, and preachers. Authority figures are always creepy (did you see Martyrs yet?). Even harmless occupations  ike ice cream vendors, janitors and santa claus have made it to a horror movie. But one figure, one silent trusting figure, that we all feared as children has yet to be traumatized by the horror genre, the librarian. Enforcer, unattractive, punitive, ancient knowlege holder, professional organizer, the librarian has the potential to step up into the Jason Vorhees–Michael Meyers ‘menacin’ realm of the silver screen.
Killer Topic: Librarian
Proposed Title: Archive Murders
Tagline: Cateloging the human race, all of them!
Premise: A beautiful new librarian takes the head role at the old city library. Retarded librarian aid (yes I said retarded) John Doe, distrusts her from the beginning. He soon finds out shes an ancient Greek devil collecting and cateloging humans, city to city, for her next immortal cycle.

#4

Genre: Horror
Category: Animals & Insects
Statement: We’ve seen them all! Everything people fear to the unfeared. Horror movies have shown evil stories with spiders, birds, piranha (now in 3D!), dogs, sheep, cows, snakes, worms, bees, and um, the whole animal kingdom! But really, what is one creature that is so unassuming but alien that could be a killer horror topic? Yes, a butterfly! It’s pretty, it morphs, is self cocoons, eat eats voraciously…a perfect swallowtail of terror!
Killer Topic: Butterfly
Proposed Title: Flutter
Tagline: Nectar sweet blood!
Premise: Crop farmers accidently spray hybrid fertilizer on an insect research station in the midwest. The insects die but the genetically enhanced butterfly eggs grow rapidly and the foot long caterpillars learn to consume humans instead of plants soon to morph into butterfly-homosapiens with a thirst for human blood instead of nectar.

#5

Genre: Horror
Category: Technology
Statement: We’ve had haunted video tapes, electronic voice phenom (epv), giant killer cubes, killer transmission signals and TVs with otherworld connections, but what about ipods or nanotechnology? Why not make a horror movie about a viral device? No, I am not talking about signals or speech hysteria (as seen in Pontypool). I am talking about nanotechnology ‘infecting’ humans through portable devices. A perfect primer, an unknown techology science +a popular electronic item!
Killer Topic: Nanotechnology
Proposed Title: Transfersome
Tagline: Inside Out
Premise: An experimental soldier injected with nanomedical technology during the war returns home after his tour of duty to discover his ipod(or music device) is sending him commands to continue killing. However, rather than random killing, he is killing people with nanotechnologies and morphing their DNA to his.

Thanks for reading, now go write a killer horror script and give me the story idea credit Happy haunting.

The men are about 180 to 300 pounds and have been seen driving white vans with ladders, pickup trucks and pulling equipment trailers. Many wear hats.

Contractors, businessmen, college kids, construction workers: these guys normally roam early in the morning to the local fast food businesses and gas stations for food says Vicky Carmelo, a bikini coffee barista from the Hot Yummy Java Jugs Coffee Stand in Lynnwood.

“Their comfort level with chain businesses is not good,” said Carmelo.”We need to get them out of the Tullys, McDonalds and Starbucks before they turn a blind eye to our businesses.”

Contracter Ned Steele passes the coffee stands everyday driving to worksites and found himself at a local coffee stand on Friday.

“Yup, you caught me,” said Steele. “I couldnt pass up the offer for a free mocha with purchase of a muffin. I need the calories before work. Just don’t tell my wife.”

“We’ve tried alot of marketing techniques,” said Cherry Red, from the Fantasy Friday Everyday Coffee Stand. “Pastries, blintzes, bananas, whip cream; but muffins and doughnuts really bring them in. Business is super.”

Many local residents are upset with the coffee stand techniques of luring in men.

“They should be ashamed of themselves, exposing hard working men to such high caloric intake,” said Simon Preem. “Diabetes isn’t a laughing matter. What’s wrong with a simple danish and naked coffee? What happened to family friendly?”

What about doughnuts?

“Oh we serve Danish and doughnuts too,” said Carmelo. “On Wednesdays we serve coffee in danish pastie outfits. These strong men just love the light and flakey kinds of sugar. They keep coming back for more!”